Holiday Survival Guide

Ahhhhh 'tis the season for being with those you love, sharing warm moments, and reminiscing about 2010 and all it had to offer.

BUT lets not forget it also happens to be the season where we have to dine with awkward relatives (over, and over again), max out our Visas, and avoid gaining 30 pounds.

So I've put together a list of things to help us make it through the most wonderful time of the year *cue music*

1) Always do your Christmas shopping with your elbows up, ready to strike. You never know when those sales people will come to harass you (Aritzia, anyone?) or those eager women at the sales rack will just about do anything to get that last item.

2) Go easy on the eggnog (or wine/whiskey/liquor). You don't wanna be THAT guy/girl in front of your entire family-save it for New Years.

3) Practice makes perfect. It's always good to practice your fake surprised/happy face in front of a mirror... JUST in case you get a gift you were expecting or something you already have etc etc.

4) Always avoid a holiday Grinch/Scrooge. Legit. They suck. It's not your fault they're so unhappy. Wish them happy holidays and never look back.

5) Enjoy every last bite of that super high-calorie dessert (it's only once a year, right?). BUT if you step on the scale the next day and it happens to break or read 'error' maybe consider joining a gym and rethinking the menu for next year.

6) It's always good to ask your parents who will be at any family reunions and refresh your memory with photos. There's nothing worse than forgetting someone's name, especially when they share your DNA and may come bearing gifts.

7) Never forget that our frenemy Mr. Visa is sneaky. The more you use him, the more he uses you right back. Except it all arrives in a nice lump sum approximately one month later. SO keep in mind the thoughtful gift usually trumps the expensive one (note the word "usually")

8) It's always nice to brush up on some classics to get into the spirit of things. What's on my list? Home Alone 1 and 2, A Christmas Story, Santa Clause, and Jingle All the Way.

9) Don't drink and drive. It's not worth ruining your holidays or someone else's over poor planning.

10) If you find yourself getting stressed out about any of the points above remind yourself about what the holidays really mean: Not being at school/work (win) and spending time with those people closest to you. And whether the holidays go "according to plan" or not, a memory is always a memory. Chances are, you'll laugh about it later anyway.

And in the meantime take it from Gus- there's nothing like a good nap after wrapping Christmas presents all day.

Caution: Public Displays of Affection WILL Result in Public Displays of Aggression (by me)

There's a fine line between the acceptable and the pure nauseating. In my opinion, there's nothing wrong with the couples that hold hands and engage in the occasional hug or peck on the lips.

But, of course, there are always those couples that go the extra mile. The ones that turn the "aw" into the "ew".

Lip Locking Lamebrains: This one is a no- brainer. I'm talking about the people who pick the most public and awkward of places to make out for hours and act completely oblivious to the fact that everyone around them is giving them dirty looks.

The most popular places for these scummy people? Theme parks and movie theaters. At the theme park you are most likely to encounter the grimiest 13 year olds you've ever seen partaking in this activity. Most likely because it's their first date and their first kiss. Ick. As for the movie theater you always end up at an intense movie sitting beside a couple engaging in those sloppy slurpy kisses. Yum. Pretty sure everyone paid 11 dollars to watch the movie and not you two staring in your own softcore porno. There's redtube for that. And its free.

Sitting on same side of the table: Every restaurant you go to there is at least one couple taking up an entire booth because they choose to sit side by side. Last time I checked it's perfectly healthy to sit across from someone so you can talk to them and you don't end up with bruised elbows while trying to eat. And if you sneak in a kiss every now and then that's even grosser. There are other ways to sample each other's dinner choices, thanks. It is only mildly understandable if the couple is above the age of 60 and are so bored of each other that they have to creep on everyone else.

The Baby Got Back Video Stars: Next time you're out at a bar take a gander at the dance floor. Look for the outrageous couple that is partaking in some Rated R grinding. Limbs are flying everywhere and and generally they are completely uncoordinated. Yet this couple thinks they are being beyond sexy. Maybe the foreplay is getting dull? We'll never know. BUT I will give anyone with enough cojones mad props to party boy your way between these two and embarrass the crap out of them.

Mr. and Mrs. Grabs: Everyone repeat after me "Never will I ever grope anyone in public." There. We can be friends. Its just too sleezy and you are never as smooth as you think you are.

Playboy vs. Nora Roberts

You know Playboy... that magazine where women somehow manage to have size H boobs (for Heidi obvs) and be tiny everywhere else without tipping over. And in this fantasy land, of course, words like saggy, cellulite, and 20% body fat are unheard of. Teenage boys may initially endure a moment of panic when they realize not all women look like that. And even if they do, that everything changes when most of these women are given the ability to speak.

But hold up. Men (unfortunately) aren't the only ones in for literary deception. Women have been equally duped. The culprit? Cheesy romance novels.

We've all been there- falling in love with many of Nora Roberts and other author's male characters. How can we not when they are always oh-so-attractive, manly, badass, and passionate- yet also sweet, caring, affectionate, smart, honest, and totally in love with their woman. And notice how they're all great in bed, too?!

Sorry to break it to ya ladies, but these fictional men are foreign aliens that definitely don't inhabit the earth. Whenever lazy, inconsiderate, insensitive, cocky, obnoxious, gets-too-drunk or farts-too-much are left out of the picture you know something's up.

The Problem? These novels are written BY women FOR women. So naturally all real-life men look crappy in comparison. But I say we should cut them some slack. If they still posses some of the crucial qualities you desire we can let them get away with a few less-than-admirable ones.

And if your man happens to match up to all of these hunky male characters check to see if he has a steady pulse and bleeds red. If not, contact the appropriate authorities.

The Diary of a Digital Camera

If inanimate objects could talk cameras would by far be the most interesting to listen to. Oh the things they must see! I would also imagine that they would love to vent about certain things.

Here are the Top 10:

Ladies:
- I wish I had a "did someone's boobs blink" function to make the girls with overly exposed cleavages feel slightly embarrassed
- I don't "make" you look orange. You have a tanning problem.
- There should be a limit as to how much make up you should be allowed to apply just to take a mirror picture or a picture by yourself while doing nothing at home.
- Your poses are highly predictable: 1. the Hands-on-Hip 2. the "Let's jump in the air to look carefree" 3. the Cute-sy Crouch
- If one more of you makes a kissy- face or a peace sign I WILL self destruct

Lads:
- Never smiling in pictures does not make you look b.a. It just makes you look like a depressing individual.
- You are never as stealth as you think you are when flexing in pictures. People can always tell and, yes, it's cheesy.
- The amount of "bling" you can flash in one picture will not make up for other (lacking) areas
- Please, keep your ass to yourself. Mooning is never as funny as you think it is.
- Be wary of my cousin Photoshop- women have mastered its use and will falsely advertise.

- V

The Characters on the OC

Not the TV series. You will never catch me blogging about any melodramatic teen series where everything that could possibly go wrong in someone's life, does. Nor will I ever blog about anything else that might showcase Mischa Barton's gangly body and pitiful acting skills.

As I am no stranger to the public transit system here in Ottawa, I couldn't help but notice the steady repetition of certain personality types. These aren't, of course, the only people that take the bus but just some of my favourite main characters.

The Kathy: He/she tries to engage in casual conversation with everyone. Approach with caution. They could turn out to be one of the most interesting people you will ever meet. Some people have the best stories. But at the same time they could also turn out to be super weird and even more annoying. Therefore, avoid all eye contact and turn your music up to its absolute loudest. That way you won't feel guilty if you ignore them because, quite frankly, you won't be able to hear them.
The Coma: This person is a freakin phenomenon. They get on the bus and pass out instantly, to the point of even snoring. Obviously their extra sleep is worthy of envy. But what's even more impressive is the fact that they always wake up just before it's their time to get off. Amazing.
The Bro: As soon as you spot the brand names and obnoxious sense of being you know that this person is a non- busser. Don't worry, daddy's car will be fixed soon enough.
The Stress: This is probably my personal favourite. This person is generally standing up at the front of the bus tapping their feet impatiently, constantly checking their watch, and huffing and puffing the entire ride. And they're like this every morning. HELLO you're on a bus. The mode of transportation where to get from point A to point B you make about 851651 stops (and if you're on the 118 you can multiply that number by about 3). Buddy, you're going nowhere fast.
The Middle-aged woman with the oversized handbag: This bitch WILL step on your feet and nudge you with her bag if you're standing between her and a free seat. You've been warned.

If these people aren't enough to keep you entertained, an Ipod and a good book never fail.

What's new on my Ipod? Jack Johnson (To the Sea), Atmosphere, Telekinesis, The Thrills, Passion Pit, Guster, Kate Nash.
On my "to-read" List: A Thousand Splendid Suns (Khaled Hosseini), The Lost Symbol (Dan Brown)

- V

Just a little intro

Okay SO.

I am a total blog virgin but have always wanted to start one so here goes!

Basically I think we have been brought up in a society that wants us all to function at hyperspeed. And I'm not going to pretend like I haven't been caught up in all of it as well- the job, university, the friends, the fam, etc. BUT I do think that we all need to start taking ourselves a little less seriously if we want to be sane by the time we're 30. I hope that my blog will help bring a little excitement to the ordinary and maybe a little hilarity to the stressful. Stay tuned for the first "official" post.

But in the meantime... if these guys can make light of their situations, so can we.

http://www.2spare.com/item_92528.aspx

-V