Sunday, July 18, 2010

Playboy vs. Nora Roberts

You know Playboy... that magazine where women somehow manage to have size H boobs (for Heidi obvs) and be tiny everywhere else without tipping over. And in this fantasy land, of course, words like saggy, cellulite, and 20% body fat are unheard of. Teenage boys may initially endure a moment of panic when they realize not all women look like that. And even if they do, that everything changes when most of these women are given the ability to speak.

But hold up. Men (unfortunately) aren't the only ones in for literary deception. Women have been equally duped. The culprit? Cheesy romance novels.

We've all been there- falling in love with many of Nora Roberts and other author's male characters. How can we not when they are always oh-so-attractive, manly, badass, and passionate- yet also sweet, caring, affectionate, smart, honest, and totally in love with their woman. And notice how they're all great in bed, too?!

Sorry to break it to ya ladies, but these fictional men are foreign aliens that definitely don't inhabit the earth. Whenever lazy, inconsiderate, insensitive, cocky, obnoxious, gets-too-drunk or farts-too-much are left out of the picture you know something's up.

The Problem? These novels are written BY women FOR women. So naturally all real-life men look crappy in comparison. But I say we should cut them some slack. If they still posses some of the crucial qualities you desire we can let them get away with a few less-than-admirable ones.

And if your man happens to match up to all of these hunky male characters check to see if he has a steady pulse and bleeds red. If not, contact the appropriate authorities.

Monday, July 5, 2010

The Diary of a Digital Camera

If inanimate objects could talk cameras would by far be the most interesting to listen to. Oh the things they must see! I would also imagine that they would love to vent about certain things.

Here are the Top 10:

Ladies:
- I wish I had a "did someone's boobs blink" function to make the girls with overly exposed cleavages feel slightly embarrassed
- I don't "make" you look orange. You have a tanning problem.
- There should be a limit as to how much make up you should be allowed to apply just to take a mirror picture or a picture by yourself while doing nothing at home.
- Your poses are highly predictable: 1. the Hands-on-Hip 2. the "Let's jump in the air to look carefree" 3. the Cute-sy Crouch
- If one more of you makes a kissy- face or a peace sign I WILL self destruct

Lads:
- Never smiling in pictures does not make you look b.a. It just makes you look like a depressing individual.
- You are never as stealth as you think you are when flexing in pictures. People can always tell and, yes, it's cheesy.
- The amount of "bling" you can flash in one picture will not make up for other (lacking) areas
- Please, keep your ass to yourself. Mooning is never as funny as you think it is.
- Be wary of my cousin Photoshop- women have mastered its use and will falsely advertise.

- V